I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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