I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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