i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
