I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
