Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
