I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
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