A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
