Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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