I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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