help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
