you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
