Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
