I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
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