I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
