First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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