No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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