Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
