New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
