If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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