Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
