Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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