I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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