Who wears a wallet chain?!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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