Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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