we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
