My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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