I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
