Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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