You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
