Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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