So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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