So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
