could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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