went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize