Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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