You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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