you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
