so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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