she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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