The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
