Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
