Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Randomize
