he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
