so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
