walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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