MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
