every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
