My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize