you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
