i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We are two peas in an std pod
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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