Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
