I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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