im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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