so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize