I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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