true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
dude. I can hear the air.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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