Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
