So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
