That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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