I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
