Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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