STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
