I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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