If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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