The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
What a dumb baby whore.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize