we're chasing vodka with high fives
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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