Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Please don't give away my fajitas
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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