My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
