I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
