Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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