I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
