So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My balls are so social today.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
