If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
