Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
