Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
