I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
